Hello everyone! It's been...since about July since I've posted here or anywhere. Life is insane! I've been student teaching every weekday, then I work at my cashier job on the weekends. I am not enjoying teaching high school at all! They're little jerks and I just hate it! I wanna go back to my middle schoolers, they actually liked me and listened to me haha.

I'm trying to juggle student teaching with my relationship with Jon, which has been insane. He broke up with me at the start of August and then we got back together at the end of September. Even though he and I hung out pretty much every day and went on dates and were essentially dating even then when he couldn't admit it. It's weird though, I am not afraid anymore to tell him what I think (I used to just bite my tongue afraid he'd break up with me, but when someone breaks up with you for no reason at all, you learn that you should say everything now so there's nothing left to question if it ends) because if he doesn't want to be with me just because I won't let him get away certain things then he doesn't deserve me. Anyway, things are pretty good between us, we have spats but I think that's normal, especially with me because I'm really stubborn and won't let some things go *lol*

I'm sure there's more to share, but I'm hungry! I'll talk to you guys later--though I'm not sure if I've been deleted which I wouldn't blame people for doing after 3 months of nothing.

Since the last time I posted, Jon has moved out of living with his ex-girlfriend and is living with some of his family friends who are incredibly old-fashioned. His ex wouldn't let him take any of his stuff that he bought so he's kind of just living minimally, it's pretty sad and now he has to find an apartment because the couple he's staying with is having their foreign exchange daughter come back. I don't know, I just feel like he's had such a tough time that he deserves to find some stability, at least in his living arrangements.

He kissed me last night! Oh my gosh it was fantastic, I don't think I could have asked for a better first kiss (unless I was Justin). We were all at Amy's house hanging out and he, Shannon, Micah, and I went downstairs so they could smoke (I just stood there) and Shannon and Micah went upstairs and Jon stopped me, gave me 2 hugs then asked if he could kiss me. Of course I said yes, but I'm so so happy!

after we went back upstairs, I grabbed Amy and Shannon, hauled them away from the group and told them haha it was funny how they reacted. Then Jon and I sat on the couch all cuddly and while everyone was talking at the table he kissed me again. I really didn't want him to leave so I asked him to stay and we made out in Amy's guest bedroom until about 4 or so. It's different than I thought but so much better than I could have imagined. =D It's kind of...wet *lol*

Anyway, I don't know when we're going to hang out again, but I really cannot wait!

I suppose it's been a while, but I just figure people are sick of hearing about my life. Anyway, I'm kind of sort of seeing this guy named Jon. I work with him and I don't know that I've felt like this ever. We've been talking on the phone non-stop and texting back and forth. and i remember when I went out with Brandon, his texting got on my nerves after about 4 days, but that's not happening. We talked for about 4 hours on Wednesday about anything and everything. He's 20 years old (a younger man) and I just really like him so I'm trying not to freak out--which we've talked about, how I usually get scared after about a week, so I promised him 2, which is now up to 3 weeks, it's nice to have a little joke about that. Though Amy tells me that by the time we get to the 3 weeks, I'll be in so deep that I won't run, which I hope. He's told me that he likes me but since I'm new at *everything* that he doesn't want to go too fast, and I told him that I'll let him know if he goes too fast...but he tells me that a kiss is coming soon. I really hope so, I've waited long enough. Only one problem, he's in loss prevention at work, which means that he can't get involved with someone who deals with money like I do, since they consider it too easy to steal or something. So we have to kind of be careful, though we're not really, I don't think, we hug in the parking lot and talk a lot. But I'm kind of in too deep now, even though it hasn't been that long, to stop myself. I think that the fact that we have to kind of sneak around makes it exciting, but I also think there's something there between us. I mean, I hate talking on the phone, and it's so easy to talk to him. Oh, he has a daughter, she's 6 months old, which kind of freaks me out, because I guess his ex-girlfriend doesn't like the idea of him dating, and I seriously do not want drama like that. And he's currently living with her, which is...umm interesting. I would be so incredibly crushed if he decided to try it again with her. Which is how I know my feelings are real, because otherwise I really wouldn't care *shrug* Anyway, that's really all.

I've had a very traumatic few days...yesterday my grandma and I took our little dog to the vet for a regular check-up and as he was checking in her mouth he said he saw a lump the size of a nickle on the roof of it and that they had to do a biopsy today, which we scheduled, to see what it was and then to make decisions about where to go from there. As soon as he said there was something there, tears came to my eyes, I cannot imagine my life without her, she snuggles right up to my tummy or my legs to sleep and she's just like my kid. Anyway, all the way home I was unable to speak because if I tried it would have ended with me as a blubbering mess. Anyway, we dropped her off at home and grandma and I needed to blow off some steam so we went to the casino for a few hours. When we were heading home again I said, "Wouldn't it be interesting if we took her in tomorrow and he didn't even see anything? I think we should write some strongly worded letters to Grandpa asking him to do everything he can to make sure Llata's okay." My grandpa loved this dog, she was so beyond spoiled by him, and if he were alive he would have worried himself into a heart attack over the ordeal. Anyway, we got home and I was like, let's look at it so I can see what it looks like (my grandma had already seen it both at the vet's and when we first took her home) so I held onto Llata while my grandma opened her mouth and she gasps and says "I don't see anything!" So I look and neither do I, then I get a flashlight and shine it down and there is absolutely nothing! We checked like 5 times throughout the night, and there was never anything there. We still had to take her to the Vet just to be certain, but my grandma told them she didn't want them to do anything until the doctor checked and called her when he got in at 9. He called her and said "she's fine, come in and get her" but I guess when she showed up the vet said "Whatever prayers you said last night were definitely answered because when I was moving it yesterday the whole roof of her mouth was moving with it, I was certain it was cancer." Now, I just think it was a piece of bone that was somehow stuck up there and then got dislodged when she was eating through the day, but maybe it was just my grandpa *shrug* Whatever it was, I am beyond thankful! I get way too attached to my animals and I hate having to make decisions that could include them not being here anymore :(

I've been bugging the lady in charge of student teaching like none other about where my placement is going to be, I'm getting nervous about it since the schools are out next week and i still don't know where I'm going to student teach. Today, I took matters into my own hands and talked to the woman I did my field experience with and she said she would be more than willing to let me work with her and there's another teacher at the school who does 8th grade history that I can also work with in order to get the 4 classes per day I need. I then e-mailed the lady again to tell her what I had learned and she seemed really pleased, but I was like are you kidding me? I've been just waiting around for you to do your job and I have to basically settle for a school that I didn't really want because you can't figure it out. I wanted a high school and I wanted a school that wasn't on the lower socioeconomic scale just because I've done both of my field experiences in that type of school and I want to see how the others work, i don't think that makes me a bad person, but how am I going to make decisions when I don't have experience in all possible types? Anyway, I think it'll be at the school I was at last semester which is fine, as long as I don't have to wait for another year!

I think that's all, talk to you later *hugs*

So, today, I spent a good amount of time responding to all of the comments on my two graphics for the challenge, it was really fantastic to finally be able to do so, it kind of kills me when I can't haha. I also *loved* finding out who wrote for my graphics, the three fics were fabulous! The first one is by arlad and its called May 17, 2008 the second one is by xie_xie_xie called Invitation, and finally the third one is by _alicesprings and it's titled Whatever it Takes. All three are so wonderful, and I love them so much...I have yet to complete all of the fics but I'm making my way through them, I just enjoy savoring them hee!

My two graphics are #21 and #23 :)


Ugh, work is so exhausting! I'm going on day 3 of 6 straight before I get two days off *thud* Today I got to do a "carry out" for one of the ladies who works with me, it was nice to get outside, and I stood out there talking with her and our security guy, John, for a while before going back in. It's funny, I was pretty embarrassed to admit to being a virgin, but everyone who knows thinks it's cool for some reason. John asked me what was going on with Brandon, and I told him that I was pretty much over it (which got me a high five) because Brandon was extremely clingy and wanted to get way more serious way quicker than I wanted and wouldn't back off, so now I'm just not going to deal with someone not wanting to accept my needs. Then John said something that I've been thinking all along and that is that Brandon is ready to settle down and wants a family and whatever, and that's definitely not what I'm looking for. John asked me how many relationships I've had and I told him none so he was like "of course you need to go and date more! I mean, you're still a virgin right?" I was like "yeah" so at least people understand why I am pulling back so vehemently.

Oh, and I'm going to be writing some drabbles for this week's theme, it's super cute =D

and I of course changed my layout so I could use one of my headers ha

I did it, I finally have a mood theme :) it's by paddies, misread, and cammi all from LJ and I love it. Instead of having to do each and every individual one, I just followed the tutorial here but instead of going to the LJ admin console, I went to the IJ admin console and just followed everything else.

I'm really really really really hating the fact that I--along with what seems like everybody else--am not receiving my e-mail notifications when someone replies to a post on my personal journal. However, I do get them when somebody replies to a comment I leave on their journals  hmmm

*makes angry growling sounds*

and I haven't made my way through the challenge fics, I'm trying to savor them haha

Does anyone else watch America's Next Top Model? I just recently watched a few episodes, how come no one told me how awesome it was? So many hilarious cat fights!!,

oh, one more thing...a while back there was a post regarding how to get the mood themes up (I have a few QaF ones) and I didn't have time to look at it, could someone point me in the right direction *puppy eyes*

*dances* I just got my grades =D they are as follows:

Classroom Management: A (I got a perfect 100% for the class)
Social Studies Methods: A
Field Experience: Satisfactory (It's just Satisfactory/Not Satisfactory, it doesn't effect the GPA but you can't do your student teaching unless you get a Satisfactory)
The History of the Holocaust: A- (I swear I have no idea how, since I had an 87% going into the final and didn't think I did that well, but I'm glad)
Thesis: A (whoooo!!!!! I got a 183/200 on the thesis)

This was my best semester of the full 4 years I've put into college, my Grade Point Average for the semester was 3.92 and it brought my overall GPA from a 3.51 to a 3.55 which is still only Cum Laude but it's graduating with honors none the less.

Today at work, this little 10 or 11 year old boy told me "You know, I think you're kind of pretty" I was like "aww thank you" I wanted him to stay forever and compliment me hahah Speaking of work, I have worked everyday since Monday and I was supposed to have tomorrow off but this guy asked me to cover a shift for him so he could help his grandma with yard work, so I said sure. It'll be over my 40 hours a week which means OVERTIME!!! *wheeeee*I then have to work all day Sunday so it'll be a straight 7 days in a row before I have 2 days off on Monday and Tuesday. I'll just keep thinking about the money...

I hope everyone has a fabulous weekend, I cannot wait to read the challenge fics!!!

Graduation went so long, three and a half hours long! And my last name begins with an 'A' so I was the 7th person to walk across the stage which meant I had to sit through approximately 973 other students! But I didn't fall, I didn't faint, my robe didn't flip up, I was dignified *lol* anyway, here are some photos:

Now a real update, I'm finished with the class aspect of school now :-) I walk tomorrow for graduation and while I'm excited, I'm kind of not at the same time. I have to student teach in the fall so it's not as though I'm all the way done. And, it definitely didn't end the way I imagined in terms of friends, considering none of them even talk to me, but I've made some new friends from work and some younger girls from school, but it's still sucky that the ones who were always like "You're my best friend" have essentially dumped me. *shrug*

Speaking of dumped, I'm talking with Brandon sometime next week and telling him that I'm just not ready for this, he wants to move too fast and we can just be friends, yay me for using that. I'm just not into him like he is with me and I don't want to lead him on. oh well. I honestly don't think I have the ability to be in a relationship, I don't have the same desires and emotions and anything else that other people seem to have. Maybe I am destined to forever be with myself, I've kind of discovered that i have no desire to kiss someone else or have sexual desires towards them like I thought I did, it basically makes me want to puke when I think about it, hmmm...I don't know, anyone have anything to help? Even though, I don't want the "you just have to find the right person" shit, because I don't think that's it.

real update coming soon :)

You Are Garlic

Of all the spice types, you are the most universally loved. You get long with pretty much everyone, and you leave a lasting impression. You adapt yourself well to situations. You can fit in or stand out, depending on what you're called on to do.

today...I discovered Twitter *lol* it's very weird, but in a good way. I like that I can get updates about IJ even when IJ is refusing to work, yet another way IJ rocks! I've been reading so many books lately and I will update my book challenge after graduation. I will hopefully have pictures of that next week, so yay!

He changed his MySpace status to "In a relationship"! You cannot freaking say you're in a relationship a week after you go on your first date! I'm sorry, am I the only one who sees this as an issue?! Maybe I'm just less open to this idea, I don't know, thoughts? And I'm also not a big fan of public displays of affection, we went bowling and he barely let me out of his sight, finally when he was bowling I went and sat by another person who was there. I know, I sound like a major bitch but I'm going on 6 hours of sleep in 2 days and that's not enough, I also sound so...I don't know, just the fact that he's always there, wants me to go out like every other night, I can't do this. Absence make the heart grow fonder and all that. Yes, I know that you like me, but you don't have hang all over me. Maybe Definitely, he likes me waaaaaay more than I like him, but that's because it takes me a long ass time to let someone in and he wants me to let him in after a week. I know I've said this before, but I'm not going to kiss him yet, they can all think I'm playing hard to get or whatever, I just don't want to give that away yet, I thought that I wanted it more than anything but really, it's just too important . Can't go 22 years without doing it and then just do it a week after really getting to know someone. He's way too touchy I don't know, maybe after a few nights where I get more than 3 hours of sleep I'll be in a better mood and reevaluate the situation haha

I just spent from 8:15pm-2:00am with Brandon, we "made" fondue but it was not good hahaha way too strong, but we tried. We had to walk over to the store b/c he forgot the bread for it and he held my hand all the way there, and he said something like, "What you don't want to hold my hand" jokingly, and I said "No, I do, and that's what's scary. You make me want to break rules I have firmly in place." Then we played a little bit of Wii Mario Cart or something, then watched Knight's Tale (such a good movie) and I got really really nervous, we were on the couch lying down, which, by the way, is basically as wonderful as I'd imagined it would be when I thought of imaginary scenarios before he was real. Anyway, I'm still pretty resistant to be in anyway physical with him--even holding hands, and "cuddling" takes a lot of coaxing and then a few minutes for me to be completely relaxed in the situation. He's much more comfortable with that and I hope he doesn't get discouraged, it takes a lot for me to trust. And I don't feel badly for not kissing him, because that was only our 2nd date and I think I need more time than that. The fact that it's going to be my very first kiss ever when it does happen makes me want to wait so that we really know each other. I don't know, I told him in a text when he dropped me off to not give up on me, that I'll get there. He said of course he wouldn't give up, and that he wants me to be comfortable with the rate our relationship progresses--I won't get into the fact that we've only gone out 2 times and it's been a week and he already thinks we're "in a relationship" but whatever...I'm still content with the fact that if someone else asks me out (not likely, but it could happen, I've been talking to this guy in my thesis class for a while haha) that I will be able to say okay and just kind of have fun, we're not married (sorry for my Brianesque take on this) and while I really like him, I'm only 22 and not really sure what I want. I'm certainly not going to "fall in love" after a week of really getting to know someone, there are so many things to discuss, and I'm not going to make the same mistakes as my mother, aunt, sister, and cousin have made when guys are concerned. So, yes, I'm guarded, but if he doesn't want to work through my neuroses then that's his loss.

Oh, and I'm definitely going to have to make him and his roommate stop with the "look at this gay...." comments, there were at least 3 or 4 last night, I just rolled my eyes. I will not have a potential anything from passing on the hate!

Looks like he's smitten by me, he told Amy that Wednesday was awesome and that he can't wait to go out again, and he's also told another girl who used to work at the store that he really likes me...It's scary as hell to me though, I really really like him and I get butterflies whenever I see him, and he's really easy to talk to. He's like Dean from Gilmore Girls, that's how I'm going to describe him. I don't know how to really convey how I'm feeling here--I'm not like overwhelmed (well yeah I probably am) but he texts me all the time already, so I think I'll have to back off there because I don't want to have a ridiculously high phone bill, it's not like he's doing it to be over bearing, he's really interested in the progress I'm making. I just don't want to feel smothered, you know? If and when we get more serious I guess I'll have to talk to him. He seems like the perfect guy in every way though, really polite, kind of shy...I am terrified that someone could possibly like me in the same way that I like him and that he'd tell me and we'd be trying something.

One other thing...I haven't told my grandma or anyone about this, it's totally not what I do, go out with boys, I'll just wait a while so that I know that it's not too good to be true, then I'll somehow bring it up. It's just so weird! I do school, I'm good at school, I'm not good at talking about my personal life with people in my family--that's what my sister and cousin are for. I don't want her to think that because we've gone out that I'm like "in love" and am going to throw my life away like my mom and aunt did for men. I'm making it so incredibly clear that school comes first over everything and I guess if that's not good enough, then this may as well end right now. I can't see myself getting really serious for a while though, at least not until I'm done with student teaching, I don't want to commit to anything right now because there's a very real possibility that I could have to move to find a teaching job. But I won't think about that, I'll just enjoy it and not stress myself out over the "what ifs" I deserve this, after working my ass off for 22 years, right?

So, I'm home =D here's the story
 

OMG!! 12 hours to go, and I'm sitting here on the couch realizing that I have no fucking clue how to act tonight?! okay, so here are some of my concerns, anybody with advice, please give!:

1. When i meet him at the theater, it's always awkward, so do I...just say "hey" or what?!

2. Who the hell pays!? I mean he asked me, but it's just casual right? so should I at least offer?

3. Popcorn/pop/whatever? yes or no?

4. Okay, so now we're in the theater with or without a treat, I'm going to let him go in first because I suck at picking seats *lol* but what is appropriate pre-movie conversation? It shouldn't get too deep right?

5. Movie's started (I'm probably kicking myself for something dumb I've said) How do I know if he wants to hold my hand or whatever, I think I should just let him make that decision, how's that sound? But I'll have it be easily available, not under my legs or something. This is why I think no popcorn unless he wants it (well that and I'll probably choke) So, okay I think I have this one figured out, have the hand available and also don't shy away in case he wants to put an arm around me (but he probably won't)

6. After the movie, I always get so awkward too! So, just go our separate ways? Or a hug? Or what? Also, should he walk me to my car in the parking garage, since it's going to be pretty late? I think I won't say anything unless he asks me if I want him too...

7. Then comes the potential saying goodbye at the car haha I don't know!!! I just see B/J after prom, but I don't have any delusions that that'll happen, but it'd be cool if it did, I guess I'll just see...

I guess, the main answer for all of these is to take my clues from him? That sound extremely lame of me, but it's true, just hope he doesn't have the same damn idea, otherwise nothing'll ever happen! Damnit, I hate these things! Now I know why Brian didn't do dates, though he did fuck, and I can't even do that! There are so many potential questions and situations that I can't even begin to think, it should just be easy right? But at least I know that he's not just asking me to do a group thing, he wants to at least give it a try, but I don't want to ruin this. We have a good friend thing going right now, so what if I should have been okay with that?

Stupid icons, pretty much all of them are happy little couples!

oh my gosh, so...tonight I got a text message from Brandon! He asked if I wanted to go bowling Tuesday...silly me thought he meant today Tuesday, so I asked him then he said next week b/c he works tonight, then he asked me if I work tomorrow, I said "no, but I have class until 8" and I'm waiting for his text. At the same time, I've been texting with Amy who told me she talked to him and wanted to know what he said, I told her then asked what she said, I guess she told him she was going to hook him up and he said 'okay', then when she told him it was with me, he said 'good' which I think that's good, right? I don't know facial expressions, but there's the update. I'm shaking because I don't do this, like ever! So, for once alcohol did something nice for me, it allowed me to tell him that I wanted his phone number and then called his number so he'd have mine, hahaha It apparently gave me some confidence that I desperately needed

edit: He just asked me to go to a movie tomorrow, all the more reason to get my thesis done! :-)